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"I was great in bed last night. I never once had to sit up and consult the manual." – Woody Allen
"A psychiatrist told me and my wife we should have sex every night; now we’ll never see each other." – Rodney Dangerfield
"The last woman I had sex with just hated me. I could tell by the way she asked for the money." – Drew Carey
"I was so cold the other day, I almost got married." – Shelley Winters
"I think the reason justice is blind is because lawyers are jerking off all the time." – Dennis Miller
"I think crime pays. The hours are good; you travel a lot." – Woody Allen
"I’m not offended by all those dumb blonde jokes, because I know I’m not dumb. And I also know I’m not blonde." – Dolly Parton
"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw my bath toys were a toaster and a radio." – Joan Rivers
"I understand why the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I don’t understand why he had to call me a whore." – Sarah Silverman
"You know you’re getting fat when you sit in the bathtub and the water in the toilet rises." – Etta May
"You know you’re getting older when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"I like my Johnnie Walker Red and my women blonde." – Joe Namath
"I remember the first time I had sex. I still have the receipt." – Groucho Marx
"I miss my wife’s cooking – as often as I can." – Henny Youngman
"The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day." – Phyllis Diller
"It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up." – Muhammad Ali
"I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep, you know." – W.C. Fields
"I am surprised so many people turn to crime when there are so many legal ways to be dishonest." – Al Capone
"I’ve been a broad since I was three. Actually, I was about 40 when I was born." – Shirley MacLaine
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Coming Soon!
ebook of Don Aly's Celebrity Quotes
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