Official Synopsis:
Southland Tales is an ensemble piece set in the futuristic landscape of Los Angeles as it stands on the brink of social, economic and environmental disaster. Boxer Santaros (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson) is an action star who's stricken with amnesia. His life intertwines with Krysta Now (Sarah Michelle Gellar), an adult film star developing her own reality television project, and Ronald Taverner (Seann William Scott), a Hermosa Beach police officer who holds the key to a vast conspiracy.

  
Our Take:
There’s a scene about halfway through Southland Tales when Justin Timberlake, who plays wounded war veteran (and narrator) Pilot Abilene, takes a drug and then launches into a lip-synched version of The Killers’ “All These Things That I’ve Done” while surrounded by platinum wig-wearing female dancers. The sequence serves no real purpose, but at least it looks good and features a great song; plus, Timberlake really sells whatever drug-addled attitude he’s supposed to be portraying.

I highlight this moment because, for as surreal as it is, it’s the most coherent scene in the entire film. Richard Kelly, writer/director of the dense, intellectual Donnie Darko, has finally delivered his long-awaited second film, and it’s an incomprehensible mess. Filled with news and internet feeds (similar to the “Do You Want to Know More?” bits in Starship Troopers only much more constant), there’s no amount of news-styled exposition that can help this film make sense. All I can tell you is that there’s an amnesiac film star, a porn star, and a twin police officer, corrupt politicians and an energy device that could save or destroy the world. Admittedly, on paper that sounds kind of cool, but the film is so disjointed and unassembled that even when you think you know what’s going on, you really don’t care. There are no likable characters in the film, as everyone is either corrupt, stupid, evil, or just plain annoying, and while you realize you’re supposed to be rooting against the evil politicos, the “heroes” of the film don’t inspire much support in the viewer.

So how did Richard Kelly amass such an impressive roster of talent for the film? I don’t really know, except that I imagine a fair amount of the actors involved thought that starring in a film with the street cred that Donnie Darko has might help boost their careers. In addition to Dwayne Johnson, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Seann William Scott in the headlining roles, there are also appearances from a large number of Saturday Night Live alums (Amy Poehler, Jon Lovitz, Cheri Oteri, Nora Dunn), as well as people like John Larroquette (easily the best performance in the film), Mandy Moore, Wallace Shawn, Kevin Smith, Curtis Armstrong, Christopher Lambert, Bai Ling, Justin Timberlake, and Miranda Richardson. I’m sure I’m forgetting someone, but to take a cast like that and make a movie this bad is pretty hard to do. In fact, it’s almost impressive.

The DVD wisely only comes with a few extra features, but seeing as how the film was cut down quite a bit by Kelly after its disastrous screening at Cannes, I’m guessing there will be a features-laden Director’s Cut somewhere down the line.

- USIDent TV: Surveilling the Southland.
- Animated Short - "This is the Way the World Ends."

Like most Donnie Darko fans, I was really looking forward to Southland Tales, undaunted by the poor critical response the film received. But sometimes movie critics get it right, and this is one of those times. Southland Tales is one of the biggest movie disappointments in years.

Overall Picture:
Movie: D
DVD: C+

- Mike Spring

Editor